Just me...

I live to suffer another day...

I am having a major flare. It is in my shoulder and shooting up my neck and down my shoulder blade it's making my right arm weak if I turn to fast or look down; I see spots and get the sharpest of stabbing nerve pain.
Yeah did you know I am the Queen of sarcasm and princess of double meanings? As of yet I cannot drive the six speed that my husband felt was my ONLY option to have... as I have not had a vehicle in over a year and pay half our bills who am I to complain. So I tell my 'Mother' that my wonderful doctor has fit me into his FULLY booked schedule to give me a few joint injections to relieve my pain. What does she do and say. 'Well I HAVE to get my nails done' and she walks away. Big shocker right??
I have tried to deal with this ALL of my entire life. This lack of, to put it mildly....compassion?? My dear neighbor friend has 1,000 times more compassion and caring than my own Mother....but my 'Mother' lives here to HELP me. Its why I pay the bills because she HELPS me so dearly.
I really do think I am loosing it because I am having zero tolerance for such people in my life. My rheumatologist says my rheumatoid arthritis, lupus (SLE) and various autoimmune diseases will only get worse and my main ones are degenerative.
So I ask myself, if they can't deal with this now and do not help me when I need them, why then are they in my life? What did I do in my former life? Do I not pray correctly and stay positive enough? This too will be A) shrugged off like all else I am forced to or B) I will end up super medicated for depression. Hmmmm...
However the bile is rising and choking the life right out of me. Just thinking and feeling, yes even the strongest people FEEL...
-rcc

Lesson Learned

Lesson Learned
  A big lesson that I have learned, so far in life is this. Life is HARD and sometimes UNFAIR. IF you HARP on that unfairness, life will not wait for you, it is guaranteed to pass you by. When you HARP to much, life will leave you and then it will be to late to go back because life will have left you and bitterness corrodes the soul. I will always remember this invaluable lesson because it seems so vastly important. I KNOW how I leaned this lesson but I would rather not actually have to say it out loud or look upon in on paper. It will just bring back a lot of unwanted and very much loathed memories. So I will not mention them but like a shadow in the sunlight, they ARE forever there. I hope some day to write all these many lessons down that I have learned because God knows I have learned a lot and maybe just maybe they will help someone else...if even in a small way. Sometimes I have learned the hard way (ok honestly I am stubborn and proud so I have always learned the hard way.) and others the easy way (as if!). Maybe if I ever compile all my lessons I could write a book called 'Lessons Learned' it would be so nice if good could come out of all my many ramblings and thoughts! -Rebecca C. Hernandez 07/25/1995

POETRY; 'Life'

'Life'

Life....
With its ends and beginings,
Sometimes falls...
A P A R T.
Like a bubble it will always...
B U R S T.
Like an ocean it will surge forward.
Life is LIFE...
A never ending cycle...
It will always leave you.
And it will always take you.
To NEW beginings.
Life,
It will always end...
As it BEGINS.

 -Rebecca C. Hernandez
 05/08/1991

POETRY; Survives A Spirit Intact

'Survives A Spirit Intact' 

While unwanted touches, touched to far...
Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
When waters overflowed to the breathe that helps life... Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
When emotions overflowed threatening to leave all memories of creations...
Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
When the being that was created helped to create a new one. Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
Remembering bad days that have long since past...
Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
Now the spirit moves onward, knowing of the past, wondering of the future...
Survived a spirit intact, it will ALWAYS move onward. 


-Rebecca C. Cardenas
 03/12/1998

POETRY; 'FUNNY HOW'

'FUNNY HOW'

 Funny how your memory erases, when faced with so many disgraces.

Interesting how you tend to share, when I am not there.

Amazing that you are filled with grace, although lying to my face.

Funny how you say you care, yet never show it.

Interesting how you scream and shout, once I find out what you are all about.

Amazing that I am full of sorrow, yet so very undeniably empty and hollow.

Funny how I always care, so daring through my sorrow.


-Rebecca C. Cardenas
 11/28/2012

POETRY; 'Hidden'

'Hidden'

I had a place I loved to go, although you wouldn't know.
I have a massive storage of faith, dare not do I show.
There is a sorrow in my eyes,
My spirit does so LONG to fly.
There was a time when I should cry, long has it passed me by.
I show you love and you show me hate,
Everyday I seem to wait.
Once so dead I come alive.
Choosing to walk ahead SO ALIVE.
To live a life I never knew...
Take this sorrow from my eyes...
See those places I have loved...
To hold unto faith like a tight fitted glove...
I used to wait and wonder why?
Just WALK away, never wonder WHY??


 -Rebecca C. Cardenas

Lack of Sleep....

Lack of sleep is SO me these days. I take my klonipin as directed and nothing.....still wound up and still no sleep; this is enough to drive any person crazy but since I am already there through no fault of mine I find myself giddy as all hell and yet wired AWAKE...what happened to the good old days before crack heads wrecked the medical systems by fraudulently going from doc to doc....you know the the days where the doctors cared enough to knock you out with some random pill for 8-9 hours of blissful sleep. At this point I am wishing Scotty (yeah the dude from Star Trak) would beam me up...and have Spock radiate my brain into SLEEPING, so I can at least feel somewhat better. I mean it doesn't take a genius to know that withot a decent nights sleep a person with chronic autoimmune diseases like R.A., Lupus (and whatever else my body has collected) are just going to cause you to suffer all night and then flare some more. So to come close to ending my rant... Thank you crack headed addicted fools who have ruined the health care system by adding stigmas for the rest of us, who truly do have a genuine medical condition(s) but are left to suffer with mild like skittle pills AND (because there is always and AND like there is always a BUT with me)they do not do a damnable thing to help me sleep. Don't even get me started on the natural stuff that 'normal' and 'healthy' people seem to feel the need to preach to you. "Oh just take melatonin" or "go for a walk" and have some hot fucking tea with that....I Say screw that! I want to feel no pain as I sleep and be knocked out...preferably for nine hours of deep orgasmic sleep. That just seems like a HUMANE thing to do. Whoever thinks otherwise doesn't know what daily, constant, never ending pain is and should not be judging me or others in my shoes. I am the one that has to face my maker....no one else...and anyways who's to say he or SHE doesn't ask me at those pearly gates (I hope!) Why I listened to dumb asses and let myself suffer? So here I go.....another night to add to the many of NO sleep and severe pain of R.A./Lupus and chronic pain. So who wants to be me now? I would trade these tired old before her time shoes any time, any where, any place. Bring it! :P Live, laugh, love LIFE... Rebecca