POETRY; Ever Wonder Why?

"Ever Wonder Why?"

Do you ever wonder why you took away my dreams?
Only filling my head with so very many doubts.
Never nothing kind at all, except to say..."oh" or maybe "that's all?"
Something I thought was lacking in me...I know I have said that thrice and many times around.
Vastly gone in me; I could not see past YOUR truth's.
I realized why you so tormented me.

Obviously one day; I have awoken.
Never was it me; who would dash your feelings to the floor. Takes your hopes; I should have quoted "Nevermore."
Now I am just a shadow of a thing, floating by and by.
My spirit so yearns to be free from me, to fly.
A great and many times warned you, of when I would one day stop.
Nor care.
Oh how I tried and TRIED...so I did, only "I."

Yes, I now gather little hopes inside me, I never knew I had so many left.
I saw all these little blessings you see, now I am undone.
So I will take my boys so nearest and dearest to me; before they to, are left bereft.
Open doors always closed to me, now I know to walk through. Standing firm and just barely, before there's nothing left.
Do you ever wonder why you took my dreams and dashed them all about?
Why you choose to be absent to me; left me on my own.
Never allowed to ask any, "Why's?!"?
Or get answers to, "How was your day?"
Treated like a shadow, one who lives under a rock.
Never good for a response.
Bury me my soul you tried, stomped it to the ground.

Now my dreams are dreamy again.
One day I hope to fly.
Spirit come on back to me.
Spirit help me fly.

My Quotes

06-01-94
 "Sleep is the ultimate escape, but even that can be broken"  "Love is ignorance so knowledge IS power"
 "Eventually LOVE is HATE"
06-12-94
"What I feel is what I WILL"
06-16-94
 "Pondering questions is pondering for trouble" 
03-20-95
 "I wish I could walk through mirrors, so to escape all my pain and sorrows"
 04-25-95
"When the moon shines bright, the sun has set. When the sun has set, the stars always shine brighter. When will my sun rise?"
 "If you've been, remember you shall be...remembered"
 06-06-07
"I tried so hard, yet seemed to fail. With hope, I set sail. Love will guide me, through each day. One by one I will TAKE each day, knowing I am LOVED I will FIND my WAY"
 05-15-10
"WARNING: Kissing the cook will result in bodily injury...plus any distractions causes BURNT food"
 "HINT! HINT! NEVER PISS OFF THE COOK, especially if she(he)is still adding ingredients!"
 "(>>Picture burnt food<<)I NEVER did say 'I WANT to be a COOK when I grow up'...but hey! I do TRY!"
 06-01-11
 "(>>picture man or woman sloth-ily eating food<<)The food WAS ready and you STILL were not here yet...Next time be on TIME and I MIGHT save you some!"
 "(NOTE TO SELF)Take your TIME when cooking...rushing only leads to what other may perceive as problematic!"
 "(>>Picture smoking oven<<)Sadly she realized the truth...There is NO 'EASY BAKE' on her oven"
02-12-12
"What comes around goes around, so why should I go?"
 "I not only believe in and 'eye' for and eye,' I also believe I would shove it up your ass!"
 "Welcome to the NUT house, if the squirrels do not get you...the NUTS sure as hell will!"

POETRY; 'I KNOW Autism'

'I KNOW Autism'

You do not see his face as he panics and shuts down.
His hands as they flap and spin, spin around.
You do not see him pace or flounder about.
So you would not know a STIM from a hole in the ground.
You do not go to the countless meetings, or see all his pain and misery.
Most definitely would not you see or know his sorrows.
A kind word would never hurt...
Just one encouragement to combat his pain.
YOU are forced to watch helpless as his teachers just pass and pass him along.
An IQ so high seems now forlorn.
I help and I help until I am just SO worn.
To bad this autism doesn't have a real voice...
But to ask "Why?" would not help it as it isn't like a choice.
I do wish autism was just an empty void...
You could fill it...
To the brink with such love,
A simple cure for a ...
Complexing...
Sorrowful...
Unique type of pain.
Then all my searches would not seem in vain.

R.C. Cardenas
10-22-12

POETRY; 'Stubbornness Aplenty'

Stubbornness Aplenty'

If your voice falls upon deaf ears, do you have a choice? When your forced to scream from driving insanity, you didn't have a choice...
To much frustration and lack of control.
Stubbornness aplenty, really such a shocker!
As such, it is a wonder I do not buckle and die.
Should I give in and cry?
The tables you always have turned have crumbled onto the floor...
I try and I try but I am leaning towards the door.

R.C. Cardenas
10-19-12

POETRY; 'A Dream That is ME'

'A Dream That is ME'

Walking in a dream, I cannot see through this fog...
Can I be awakened once more?
'I know not' says the weight that drags me to the floor.
All this exquisite pain and misery...
"Why, Oh WHY does this HAVE to be me?"
So intense are the feelings that are me...
I dream of a dream with remnants of what could have, should have been me.
All my prayers are laid upon the floor.

R.C. Cardenas
10-17-12

POETRY; 'Some Faith'

'Some Faith'

Life do not pass me by as I sit and wonder, "Why?!"
Pain, fatigue, vast misery; this is all bursting inside of me. Worthless, shame, guilt and fear; all a definite part of me. Systemic conditions of autoimmune diseases.
More pain and sorrow, this rheumatoid arthritis has gotten its talons into me.
Relentless stalking since before I was five, no one knew or understood why I cried.
Please, oh please life, don't pass me by.
I really do not ever wish to sit here and cry!
R.A if I could hold you, I would grab you and shake you out! R.A. just go! and get the FUCK OUT!!
Sometimes I wish I could just pray this all away... Complication of my heart, inflammation of my lungs; did I mention they are checking me for cancer?
I have sub-luxed busted tendons plus I get awesome tremors too...
Dry eyes sticking, oh yes I have Raynauld's with Sjogren's... now not one but two bullous diseases...Linear IgA and phemphigoid too.
Now guess who is worried about scaring on top of everything else?
Negative ANA with Lupus, who the fuck knew?
They might as well tell me I finally have M.S. too!
Only two hand surgeries and three hip operations...yeah they said I need replacements but who wants that too?
I have to be scanned for any worsening of my A.V.N., yeah that's when your bones decide to DIE...guess I really should cry.
I almost forgot what this was all about... ME?
I am trying to figure this all out.
So life please do not pass me by.
Do not make me scream or cry...and just so you know I really am not all that blue!
Even defected gimpies like me can always find some kind of faith.
So just let me be HAPPY and I WIL face what I FACE...

 R.C. Cardenas
 11-07-12

POETRY; ' Heal my Soul'

'Heal my Soul'

Sometimes I feel so lost.
One half without a whole.
My mind completely dreaming.
A deepened mask across my soul.
It seems no one is out there.
Not fitting into place...
My hands seem ever so empty.
Empty inside my soul.
Maybe something is missing??
Forever, it seems I am dreaming.
I have to stop this constant reeling.
Somehow put a plug into the vast whole.
Lay down my life to the heavens.
So heaven help me heal my soul.

R.C. Cardenas
11-06-12

POETRY; 'Paradise City'

'Paradise City'

My paradise city is waiting, one day it will be MINE.
No more hurt and pain, no more reeking sorrows.
A perfect thriving city...
One day my soul will be there, Alas where is this peace? Beyond a gilded journey, behind those opalescent gates.
My paradise city is over yonder, to take away this heavy heart.
I will not be fearful or wanting.
Leave behind all flaws, leave behind my pains.
Awaken me thine heart.
My paradise city is waiting,
For you I will wait and with ALL of my HEART.

R.C. Cardenas
11-06-12

POERTY; 'My Random'

'MY Random'

I do not FLY, I SOAR.
I will not FALL or STUMBLE.
If the TABLES need to TURN, I'll turn them.
When I SCREAM your oh so MEAN.
SEEK me out, to FIND you.
Tell me the TRUTH instead of your LIES.
Be STRONG and I will be STRONGER.
TURN around and I am THERE.
I do not HATE but LOVE you.
If you are MINE I will be YOURS.
Make me CRY for only good REASONS..
Spring me OUT of all my FEARS.
I will not FALL or STUMBLE.
I do not FLY, I SOAR...

R.C. Cardenas
11-05-12

POETRY; 'Believe in Me'

'Believe in Me'

Why can't you see I am a joy for you?
If you ever believed, believe in me.
Everywhere I go I can see you there, all around me...little reminders everywhere.
Why can't you see I am a joy for you?
If you ever believed, believe in me.
I want and wish you could believe.
Believe in me... If ever I see I can see I want you there.
Why can't you see?
I want you to be able to see right inside of me.
Just see inside of me.
Wherever you must go, I will be there for you.
Standing here, always here, just waiting here.
Will you ever come back to me?
Believe in SOMETHING; believe in me!

R.C. Cardenas
11-07-12

POETRY; 'Shake off This Pain'

'Shake of This Pain'

I can't shake off this pain...
Quaking legs and aching arms.
Body throbbing and clenching are my arms.
Restless feet, I SO want to retreat.
I can't shake off this pain...
Exploding head, my mind SO alarmed...
No sleep for days.
My eyes keep turning since they are always now burning.
I can't shake off this pain..
No working treatments...
Such aching arms.
Stabbing is the pain all through my brain.
Such restless feet.
Why can't I retreat.
Eyes are turning since they are burning.
Why can't I shake off this pain.

R.C. Cardenas
11-05-12