POETRY; Ever Wonder Why?

"Ever Wonder Why?"

Do you ever wonder why you took away my dreams?
Only filling my head with so very many doubts.
Never nothing kind at all, except to say..."oh" or maybe "that's all?"
Something I thought was lacking in me...I know I have said that thrice and many times around.
Vastly gone in me; I could not see past YOUR truth's.
I realized why you so tormented me.

Obviously one day; I have awoken.
Never was it me; who would dash your feelings to the floor. Takes your hopes; I should have quoted "Nevermore."
Now I am just a shadow of a thing, floating by and by.
My spirit so yearns to be free from me, to fly.
A great and many times warned you, of when I would one day stop.
Nor care.
Oh how I tried and TRIED...so I did, only "I."

Yes, I now gather little hopes inside me, I never knew I had so many left.
I saw all these little blessings you see, now I am undone.
So I will take my boys so nearest and dearest to me; before they to, are left bereft.
Open doors always closed to me, now I know to walk through. Standing firm and just barely, before there's nothing left.
Do you ever wonder why you took my dreams and dashed them all about?
Why you choose to be absent to me; left me on my own.
Never allowed to ask any, "Why's?!"?
Or get answers to, "How was your day?"
Treated like a shadow, one who lives under a rock.
Never good for a response.
Bury me my soul you tried, stomped it to the ground.

Now my dreams are dreamy again.
One day I hope to fly.
Spirit come on back to me.
Spirit help me fly.

My Quotes

06-01-94
 "Sleep is the ultimate escape, but even that can be broken"  "Love is ignorance so knowledge IS power"
 "Eventually LOVE is HATE"
06-12-94
"What I feel is what I WILL"
06-16-94
 "Pondering questions is pondering for trouble" 
03-20-95
 "I wish I could walk through mirrors, so to escape all my pain and sorrows"
 04-25-95
"When the moon shines bright, the sun has set. When the sun has set, the stars always shine brighter. When will my sun rise?"
 "If you've been, remember you shall be...remembered"
 06-06-07
"I tried so hard, yet seemed to fail. With hope, I set sail. Love will guide me, through each day. One by one I will TAKE each day, knowing I am LOVED I will FIND my WAY"
 05-15-10
"WARNING: Kissing the cook will result in bodily injury...plus any distractions causes BURNT food"
 "HINT! HINT! NEVER PISS OFF THE COOK, especially if she(he)is still adding ingredients!"
 "(>>Picture burnt food<<)I NEVER did say 'I WANT to be a COOK when I grow up'...but hey! I do TRY!"
 06-01-11
 "(>>picture man or woman sloth-ily eating food<<)The food WAS ready and you STILL were not here yet...Next time be on TIME and I MIGHT save you some!"
 "(NOTE TO SELF)Take your TIME when cooking...rushing only leads to what other may perceive as problematic!"
 "(>>Picture smoking oven<<)Sadly she realized the truth...There is NO 'EASY BAKE' on her oven"
02-12-12
"What comes around goes around, so why should I go?"
 "I not only believe in and 'eye' for and eye,' I also believe I would shove it up your ass!"
 "Welcome to the NUT house, if the squirrels do not get you...the NUTS sure as hell will!"

POETRY; 'I KNOW Autism'

'I KNOW Autism'

You do not see his face as he panics and shuts down.
His hands as they flap and spin, spin around.
You do not see him pace or flounder about.
So you would not know a STIM from a hole in the ground.
You do not go to the countless meetings, or see all his pain and misery.
Most definitely would not you see or know his sorrows.
A kind word would never hurt...
Just one encouragement to combat his pain.
YOU are forced to watch helpless as his teachers just pass and pass him along.
An IQ so high seems now forlorn.
I help and I help until I am just SO worn.
To bad this autism doesn't have a real voice...
But to ask "Why?" would not help it as it isn't like a choice.
I do wish autism was just an empty void...
You could fill it...
To the brink with such love,
A simple cure for a ...
Complexing...
Sorrowful...
Unique type of pain.
Then all my searches would not seem in vain.

R.C. Cardenas
10-22-12

POETRY; 'Stubbornness Aplenty'

Stubbornness Aplenty'

If your voice falls upon deaf ears, do you have a choice? When your forced to scream from driving insanity, you didn't have a choice...
To much frustration and lack of control.
Stubbornness aplenty, really such a shocker!
As such, it is a wonder I do not buckle and die.
Should I give in and cry?
The tables you always have turned have crumbled onto the floor...
I try and I try but I am leaning towards the door.

R.C. Cardenas
10-19-12

POETRY; 'A Dream That is ME'

'A Dream That is ME'

Walking in a dream, I cannot see through this fog...
Can I be awakened once more?
'I know not' says the weight that drags me to the floor.
All this exquisite pain and misery...
"Why, Oh WHY does this HAVE to be me?"
So intense are the feelings that are me...
I dream of a dream with remnants of what could have, should have been me.
All my prayers are laid upon the floor.

R.C. Cardenas
10-17-12

POETRY; 'Some Faith'

'Some Faith'

Life do not pass me by as I sit and wonder, "Why?!"
Pain, fatigue, vast misery; this is all bursting inside of me. Worthless, shame, guilt and fear; all a definite part of me. Systemic conditions of autoimmune diseases.
More pain and sorrow, this rheumatoid arthritis has gotten its talons into me.
Relentless stalking since before I was five, no one knew or understood why I cried.
Please, oh please life, don't pass me by.
I really do not ever wish to sit here and cry!
R.A if I could hold you, I would grab you and shake you out! R.A. just go! and get the FUCK OUT!!
Sometimes I wish I could just pray this all away... Complication of my heart, inflammation of my lungs; did I mention they are checking me for cancer?
I have sub-luxed busted tendons plus I get awesome tremors too...
Dry eyes sticking, oh yes I have Raynauld's with Sjogren's... now not one but two bullous diseases...Linear IgA and phemphigoid too.
Now guess who is worried about scaring on top of everything else?
Negative ANA with Lupus, who the fuck knew?
They might as well tell me I finally have M.S. too!
Only two hand surgeries and three hip operations...yeah they said I need replacements but who wants that too?
I have to be scanned for any worsening of my A.V.N., yeah that's when your bones decide to DIE...guess I really should cry.
I almost forgot what this was all about... ME?
I am trying to figure this all out.
So life please do not pass me by.
Do not make me scream or cry...and just so you know I really am not all that blue!
Even defected gimpies like me can always find some kind of faith.
So just let me be HAPPY and I WIL face what I FACE...

 R.C. Cardenas
 11-07-12

POETRY; ' Heal my Soul'

'Heal my Soul'

Sometimes I feel so lost.
One half without a whole.
My mind completely dreaming.
A deepened mask across my soul.
It seems no one is out there.
Not fitting into place...
My hands seem ever so empty.
Empty inside my soul.
Maybe something is missing??
Forever, it seems I am dreaming.
I have to stop this constant reeling.
Somehow put a plug into the vast whole.
Lay down my life to the heavens.
So heaven help me heal my soul.

R.C. Cardenas
11-06-12

POETRY; 'Paradise City'

'Paradise City'

My paradise city is waiting, one day it will be MINE.
No more hurt and pain, no more reeking sorrows.
A perfect thriving city...
One day my soul will be there, Alas where is this peace? Beyond a gilded journey, behind those opalescent gates.
My paradise city is over yonder, to take away this heavy heart.
I will not be fearful or wanting.
Leave behind all flaws, leave behind my pains.
Awaken me thine heart.
My paradise city is waiting,
For you I will wait and with ALL of my HEART.

R.C. Cardenas
11-06-12

POERTY; 'My Random'

'MY Random'

I do not FLY, I SOAR.
I will not FALL or STUMBLE.
If the TABLES need to TURN, I'll turn them.
When I SCREAM your oh so MEAN.
SEEK me out, to FIND you.
Tell me the TRUTH instead of your LIES.
Be STRONG and I will be STRONGER.
TURN around and I am THERE.
I do not HATE but LOVE you.
If you are MINE I will be YOURS.
Make me CRY for only good REASONS..
Spring me OUT of all my FEARS.
I will not FALL or STUMBLE.
I do not FLY, I SOAR...

R.C. Cardenas
11-05-12

POETRY; 'Believe in Me'

'Believe in Me'

Why can't you see I am a joy for you?
If you ever believed, believe in me.
Everywhere I go I can see you there, all around me...little reminders everywhere.
Why can't you see I am a joy for you?
If you ever believed, believe in me.
I want and wish you could believe.
Believe in me... If ever I see I can see I want you there.
Why can't you see?
I want you to be able to see right inside of me.
Just see inside of me.
Wherever you must go, I will be there for you.
Standing here, always here, just waiting here.
Will you ever come back to me?
Believe in SOMETHING; believe in me!

R.C. Cardenas
11-07-12

POETRY; 'Shake off This Pain'

'Shake of This Pain'

I can't shake off this pain...
Quaking legs and aching arms.
Body throbbing and clenching are my arms.
Restless feet, I SO want to retreat.
I can't shake off this pain...
Exploding head, my mind SO alarmed...
No sleep for days.
My eyes keep turning since they are always now burning.
I can't shake off this pain..
No working treatments...
Such aching arms.
Stabbing is the pain all through my brain.
Such restless feet.
Why can't I retreat.
Eyes are turning since they are burning.
Why can't I shake off this pain.

R.C. Cardenas
11-05-12

Just me...

I live to suffer another day...

I am having a major flare. It is in my shoulder and shooting up my neck and down my shoulder blade it's making my right arm weak if I turn to fast or look down; I see spots and get the sharpest of stabbing nerve pain.
Yeah did you know I am the Queen of sarcasm and princess of double meanings? As of yet I cannot drive the six speed that my husband felt was my ONLY option to have... as I have not had a vehicle in over a year and pay half our bills who am I to complain. So I tell my 'Mother' that my wonderful doctor has fit me into his FULLY booked schedule to give me a few joint injections to relieve my pain. What does she do and say. 'Well I HAVE to get my nails done' and she walks away. Big shocker right??
I have tried to deal with this ALL of my entire life. This lack of, to put it mildly....compassion?? My dear neighbor friend has 1,000 times more compassion and caring than my own Mother....but my 'Mother' lives here to HELP me. Its why I pay the bills because she HELPS me so dearly.
I really do think I am loosing it because I am having zero tolerance for such people in my life. My rheumatologist says my rheumatoid arthritis, lupus (SLE) and various autoimmune diseases will only get worse and my main ones are degenerative.
So I ask myself, if they can't deal with this now and do not help me when I need them, why then are they in my life? What did I do in my former life? Do I not pray correctly and stay positive enough? This too will be A) shrugged off like all else I am forced to or B) I will end up super medicated for depression. Hmmmm...
However the bile is rising and choking the life right out of me. Just thinking and feeling, yes even the strongest people FEEL...
-rcc

Lesson Learned

Lesson Learned
  A big lesson that I have learned, so far in life is this. Life is HARD and sometimes UNFAIR. IF you HARP on that unfairness, life will not wait for you, it is guaranteed to pass you by. When you HARP to much, life will leave you and then it will be to late to go back because life will have left you and bitterness corrodes the soul. I will always remember this invaluable lesson because it seems so vastly important. I KNOW how I leaned this lesson but I would rather not actually have to say it out loud or look upon in on paper. It will just bring back a lot of unwanted and very much loathed memories. So I will not mention them but like a shadow in the sunlight, they ARE forever there. I hope some day to write all these many lessons down that I have learned because God knows I have learned a lot and maybe just maybe they will help someone else...if even in a small way. Sometimes I have learned the hard way (ok honestly I am stubborn and proud so I have always learned the hard way.) and others the easy way (as if!). Maybe if I ever compile all my lessons I could write a book called 'Lessons Learned' it would be so nice if good could come out of all my many ramblings and thoughts! -Rebecca C. Hernandez 07/25/1995

POETRY; 'Life'

'Life'

Life....
With its ends and beginings,
Sometimes falls...
A P A R T.
Like a bubble it will always...
B U R S T.
Like an ocean it will surge forward.
Life is LIFE...
A never ending cycle...
It will always leave you.
And it will always take you.
To NEW beginings.
Life,
It will always end...
As it BEGINS.

 -Rebecca C. Hernandez
 05/08/1991

POETRY; Survives A Spirit Intact

'Survives A Spirit Intact' 

While unwanted touches, touched to far...
Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
When waters overflowed to the breathe that helps life... Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
When emotions overflowed threatening to leave all memories of creations...
Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
When the being that was created helped to create a new one. Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
Remembering bad days that have long since past...
Survives a spirit intact; moving onward.
Now the spirit moves onward, knowing of the past, wondering of the future...
Survived a spirit intact, it will ALWAYS move onward. 


-Rebecca C. Cardenas
 03/12/1998

POETRY; 'FUNNY HOW'

'FUNNY HOW'

 Funny how your memory erases, when faced with so many disgraces.

Interesting how you tend to share, when I am not there.

Amazing that you are filled with grace, although lying to my face.

Funny how you say you care, yet never show it.

Interesting how you scream and shout, once I find out what you are all about.

Amazing that I am full of sorrow, yet so very undeniably empty and hollow.

Funny how I always care, so daring through my sorrow.


-Rebecca C. Cardenas
 11/28/2012

POETRY; 'Hidden'

'Hidden'

I had a place I loved to go, although you wouldn't know.
I have a massive storage of faith, dare not do I show.
There is a sorrow in my eyes,
My spirit does so LONG to fly.
There was a time when I should cry, long has it passed me by.
I show you love and you show me hate,
Everyday I seem to wait.
Once so dead I come alive.
Choosing to walk ahead SO ALIVE.
To live a life I never knew...
Take this sorrow from my eyes...
See those places I have loved...
To hold unto faith like a tight fitted glove...
I used to wait and wonder why?
Just WALK away, never wonder WHY??


 -Rebecca C. Cardenas

Lack of Sleep....

Lack of sleep is SO me these days. I take my klonipin as directed and nothing.....still wound up and still no sleep; this is enough to drive any person crazy but since I am already there through no fault of mine I find myself giddy as all hell and yet wired AWAKE...what happened to the good old days before crack heads wrecked the medical systems by fraudulently going from doc to doc....you know the the days where the doctors cared enough to knock you out with some random pill for 8-9 hours of blissful sleep. At this point I am wishing Scotty (yeah the dude from Star Trak) would beam me up...and have Spock radiate my brain into SLEEPING, so I can at least feel somewhat better. I mean it doesn't take a genius to know that withot a decent nights sleep a person with chronic autoimmune diseases like R.A., Lupus (and whatever else my body has collected) are just going to cause you to suffer all night and then flare some more. So to come close to ending my rant... Thank you crack headed addicted fools who have ruined the health care system by adding stigmas for the rest of us, who truly do have a genuine medical condition(s) but are left to suffer with mild like skittle pills AND (because there is always and AND like there is always a BUT with me)they do not do a damnable thing to help me sleep. Don't even get me started on the natural stuff that 'normal' and 'healthy' people seem to feel the need to preach to you. "Oh just take melatonin" or "go for a walk" and have some hot fucking tea with that....I Say screw that! I want to feel no pain as I sleep and be knocked out...preferably for nine hours of deep orgasmic sleep. That just seems like a HUMANE thing to do. Whoever thinks otherwise doesn't know what daily, constant, never ending pain is and should not be judging me or others in my shoes. I am the one that has to face my maker....no one else...and anyways who's to say he or SHE doesn't ask me at those pearly gates (I hope!) Why I listened to dumb asses and let myself suffer? So here I go.....another night to add to the many of NO sleep and severe pain of R.A./Lupus and chronic pain. So who wants to be me now? I would trade these tired old before her time shoes any time, any where, any place. Bring it! :P Live, laugh, love LIFE... Rebecca